Patrescence: The Untold Journey of Fatherhood and Its Impact on Relationships

Markella Kaplani
Aug 20
3 min read

When we think about the transition to parenthood, most conversations focus on mothers and the profound identity shift of matrescence. But what about fathers?

The truth is, men undergo a transformation, too.

It even has a name: patrescence.

Patrescence describes the emotional, psychological, and relational journey men experience as they become fathers. And yet, this life-altering process is rarely discussed, leaving many dads to navigate their new reality in silence.

Understanding patrescence is not only essential for men themselves, but also for their partners. Because when a father’s identity shifts, the ripple effects are felt across the entire family system.

What Is Patrescence?

Patrescence is not about how many diapers you can change in a day, or how many hours of sleep you can function on.

It’s about identity.

Before children, many men define themselves by career, hobbies, or social life. But when fatherhood enters the picture, a new layer rises above everything else: “I am a dad.”

This new identity influences how men see themselves, how they show up in relationships, and how they prioritize life. It brings with it pride and joy, but also fear, pressure, and sometimes a deep sense of isolation.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Fatherhood

Contrary to old stereotypes, men do experience a vast emotional range when they become fathers.

Joy: The first smile, the first “dada,” the moments of bonding.
Fear & Anxiety: Am I doing this right? Can I provide? What if I fail?
Grief: A quiet sense of loss for the freedom, spontaneity, or couplehood of pre-parenthood life.
Isolation: Feeling invisible in conversations that focus primarily on mothers, or ashamed for struggling when they’re “supposed to be strong.”

In fact, it's now documented by legitimate research that fathers, too, can experience postpartum depression and anxiety.

Because society still discourages men from expressing vulnerability, many fathers bury these emotions. Yet when unacknowledged, these feelings don’t disappear. They fester, often straining the couple’s connection.

How Patrescence Impacts Relationships

A new baby doesn’t just change the parents individually; it transforms the couple dynamic.

Suddenly, there are negotiations about roles, responsibilities, and unspoken expectations:

Who is more tired?
Who carries the heavier load?
Who gets to 'escape' to work, and who feels trapped at home?

It’s common for dads to dive deeper into work, believing they’re protecting the family by providing more. Meanwhile, their partners may feel abandoned, left to carry the daily parenting alone.

Resentment builds. Both feel misunderstood.

This isn’t about bad intentions. It’s about failing to see patrescence for what it is: a real, normal, and transformative process.

The “Fix-It” Instinct

Many fathers default to fixing problems rather than holding space for emotions. When a partner shares how exhausted or lonely she feels, his instinct may be to offer solutions or reframe her perspective rather than simply listening.

While well-meaning, this can backfire.

What she hears is:

“You shouldn’t feel this way. I would handle it better.”

The truth?

Sometimes the most powerful support you can give as a partner/husband can give is not advice, but presence.

Listening without judgment.

Validating without defensiveness.

Allowing emotions to exist without rushing to fix them.

Why Understanding Patrescence Matters

For fathers, acknowledging patrescence means giving yourself permission to feel the full range of your emotions, without shame. Ignoring them doesn’t make you stronger; it makes you more controlled by them.

For mothers and partners, understanding patrescence allows you to interpret your partner’s behaviors differently. Instead of assuming he’s avoiding parenting, you may see that his overworking is fueled by fear. This doesn’t erase the need for change, but it shifts the conversation from blame to compassion.

Together, this awareness becomes a bridge: one that can reduce resentment, increase empathy, and strengthen the partnership during one of life’s most demanding transitions.

Practical Ways Forward

Set aside space for emotional check-ins, not just logistical updates.
Validate each other’s experiences, even when they differ.
Resist comparison (“who’s more tired”) — both are tired, both are stretched.
Dads: share your vulnerabilities. Your partner may not know what you’re holding in.
Moms: assume good intent and invite curiosity before jumping to conclusions.

Final Thoughts

Patrescence is real. It’s not weakness, it’s not failure, and it’s not something to “get over.” It’s a natural part of becoming a father, one that deserves recognition, compassion, and conversation.

When couples bring matrescence and patrescence into the conversation, they stop working against each other and start navigating parenthood as true partners.